I Need Somehow To Believe
by PoetTree
Summary: 'I was only a kid, when I said goodbye to you. Ten summers ago, but it feels like yesterday. And I want, and I need, somehow to believe in the choice I made, am I better off this way' Cat/Jade, Jade/Beck. Song-fic.


_**I Need Somehow To Believe**_

* * *

><p>I was only a kid,<br>when I said goodbye to you.  
>Ten summers ago,<br>but it feels like yesterday.

*.*.*

_Tears spilling down already rain drowned faces, lips pressed together; desperate, hungry, longing, cold._

_[No, no, no.]_

_[Clinging], pulling away, [wanting to stay], and having to go._

_Gripping hands; shackles, [comforting]._

_A shuddering breath,_

_[Don't] __**" let go."**_

*.*.*  
>Lost, scared and alone,<br>nothing I could give to you.  
>I tried, I really did<br>but I couldn't find another way.

*.*.*

_[Musical] words ringing, echoing, pounding._

_Shut up, shut up, shut up,_

"_**Shut up!"**_

_A flash of hurt, welling eyes, and the pattering of running feet._

_Gone._

_No, no, no._

_A whisper; wasn't meant that way._

"_**come back…"**_

*.*.*

And I want, and I need  
>somehow to believe,<br>in the choice I made;  
>am I better off this way?<p>

*.*.*

_White dress, [empty] promises, rough lips,_

_[soft strawberry ones disappeared a long, long time ago]_

_Doubt._

_Clapping, cheers, ringing, echoing, pounding._

_Shut up, shut up, shut up,_

…

*.*.*

I can hear the voice inside my head,  
>saying you should be with me instead.<br>Every time I'm feeling down, I wonder  
>what would it be like with you around.<p>

_*.*.*_

_Alone._

_Empty [heart] house._

_[another business trip.]_

_Flashes of images, memories._

_Her. Beside you._

_Laughter._

_Happiness._

_Flicker,_

_silence._

_Gone._

_Alone._

_*.*.*_

So I, I made my way  
>cold and roaming in the wild.<br>I'm forever changed,  
>by someone I never knew.<p>

_*.*.*_

_She's sitting there,_

_knife pressed against pale flesh._

_No._

_This isn't her._

_You know her,_

_[no you don't]_

_You know her better than anyone._

_[Maybe that's because no one else ever bothered to look.]_

_She's happy, she loves living._

_And acting, and singing, and…_

_Acting._

_No._

_[Yep.]_

*.*.*  
>Now I've, I've got a place,<br>I've got a husband and a child.  
>But I'll never forget<br>what I've given up in you.

*.*.*

_You're all in the living room._

_Silence._

_[she would have filled it with laughter]_

_He sits across the room,_

_sucking on a glowing cigarette._

"_**Don't smoke in the house."**_

_He takes another puff,_

"_**Don't be such a fucking hypocrite."**_

_Your daughter gets up and leaves._

_You shake your head,_

_he doesn't even bother making sense anymore._

_[You haven't smoked since Cat got you to stop.]_

_*.*.*_

And I want, I need,  
>somehow to believe,<br>in the choice I made;  
>am I better off this way?<p>

*.*.*

_"**Get the hell out of here Beck."**_

_Your cheek stings, a bruise already blossoming across it._

_"**No fucking way! This is my house, I'll do as I please!"**_

_Silence._

_He's panting, teeth clenched, eyes blazing._

_"**It's all her fault!"**_

_He grabs a picture off your dresser._

_It's her._

_She's laughing [she always was], and spinning, rain falling around her, bright pink umbrella_

_in hand._

_A tear rolls down your already flaming bruised cheek._

_"**See what I mean, you still love her!"**_

_He flings the frame at the wall and it shatters in a burst of crystallized tears._

_[It's funny that he's the one to finally make you realize it.]_

*.*.*

I can hear the voice inside my head,  
>saying you should be with me instead.<br>Every time I'm feeling down, I wonder,  
>what would it be like with you around.<p>

*.*.*

_And then, miraculously, she's there._

_She sees the bruises he left on you, and she takes your hand, and you run._

_You take your daughter with you and anything else you can grab,_

_and you're gone._

_You go and live with her, just you her and your daughter._

_And the bruises heal and you're allowed to leave the house again_

_for more than an hour at a time._

_And most of all; you're happy,_

_as laughter fills your life once more._

*.*.*

And I want, I need,  
>somehow to believe,<br>in the choice I made;  
>I am better off this way.<p>

*.*.*

* * *

><p>AN: Just a short little song-fic. The song is <strong>Voice Inside My Head <strong>by the **Dixie Chicks. **Sorry if you didn't understand it; it was pretty confusing, the beginning especially. XP. Sorry if the end seems a little rushed; it wasn't supposed to have a happy ending.

Any-who, you can review if you liked it, but definitely review if you hated it. I don't know why I just said that, I'm tired I guess.

Peace ;)


End file.
